


breathe.

by finsouls



Category: LOONA (Korea Band)
Genre: F/F, Hopeful Ending, I swear, Light Angst, No Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-07
Updated: 2020-04-07
Packaged: 2021-03-01 23:01:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,514
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23534983
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/finsouls/pseuds/finsouls
Summary: Jungeun hasn't been able to breathe since the day she lost Jinsol.
Relationships: Jung Jinsol | Jinsoul/Kim Jungeun | Kim Lip
Comments: 4
Kudos: 116





	breathe.

**Author's Note:**

> inspired by "Looks Red, Tastes Blue" by Mayday Parade 
> 
> also, I literally wrote this in like two hours and didn't proof read it so....enjoy anyway!

Headlights hit the road in front of Jungeun as she speeds through the late night. Shadows dance in front of her. Stars dot the sky in an angelic pattern. The moon hangs in the sky drawing her closer and closer. Her music fills her car and flies out the open windows. Her dark hair whips in the wind, but she doesn’t care. Doesn’t care that it’s a tangled mess now. Doesn’t care that the pain in her chest worsens the farther she drives. 

The day had started as any other day for Jungeun. She forced herself out the warm cocoon of blankets to go to school. Her friends talked her ear off at lunch but none of their words registered in her mind. All Jungeun could think about was _her_. Jinsol. Blonde hair, bright smile, those dark eyes that melted whenever she looked at Jungeun. 

Jungeun’s friends tried to get her to talk, to laugh with them like old times. Nothing ever worked. Nothing broke through the wall of pain that Jungeun put up the moment she lost Jinsol. She’s taken to pinching herself to see if it’s a dream; to wake herself up from this endless nightmare where Jinsol doesn’t exist beside her anymore. They were meant to spend their life together. Now each pinch is a reminder that this is her reality; a reality without the one person she wanted to spend her life with. But nothing is forever. Not even them. 

Everyday without Jinsol felt like the longest day Jungeun had ever had. 

Today included. 

It’s late, or rather, it’s early in the morning. Early enough for the sky to still hold the stars and moon but the darkness is bleeding away slowly. But Jungeun doesn’t know slow, not right now. Not with her mind racing with all the thoughts, all the things, she never got to say to Jinsol. Not with her car speeding down the highway with the occasional car passing by. She is alone. That’s nothing new to her. She has been alone since she lost the blonde. 

Closing her eyes tightly, Jungeun pinches the skin on her arm. For a moment she sees her. See’s the day they met where Jinsol walked into Jungeun on campus. The blonde spilled her coffee all over the shorter girl. Her apologies were shouted over her shoulder as she raced to class. Jungeun stared after her, too enthralled by the beautiful enigma that Jinsol was. The blonde found her later in the day, the coffee stain on her shirt a telling sign. 

“Let me buy you a new coffee,” Jinsol smiled sheepishly. 

“I didn’t have one, you spilled yours on me,” Jungeun watched the blush creep up Jinsol’s face. “How about you buy me lunch instead?” 

A horn blares. Jungeun’s eyes shoot open, steering her car back into the lane. She can feel the tears pushing their ways out of her eyes. The road in front of her blurs. It’s hard to breathe. It’s always hard to breathe. Jungeun turns the music up louder trying to force the pain back down. 

But it doesn’t work. Nothing ever fucking works. No pile of homework. No amount of parties. No ice cream binges, or days spent with friends, or songs blaring on repeat ever makes the pain go away. Nothing Jungeun has tried makes the pain of Jinsol being gone stop hurting. If anything, it makes it worse. When the distractions are gone, when Jungeun is all alone, the pain comes back. Not in droplets, not in waves, but in hurricanes and tsunamis. She is drowning in it again and again. There is no life preserver. No one to save her. It’s her against the storm. 

Jungeun deserves it. She thinks she does anyway. 

It’s her fault Jinsol is gone. Her fault that Jinsol isn’t going to come back. 

That’s why she’s going to her. It’s why she’s speeding down the highway at three in the morning when the sun hasn’t risen and people are still in bed. Jungeun wants to be with Jinsol, never wants to be without her again. She wants the pain to stop. 

Jungeun wants to go back, turn back the clock, to a time where Jinsol was with her again. She wants to go back to the movie dates and playing board games until two in the morning. She wants those late night conversations about their futures and if fish swallow air to get drunk. Jungeun misses holding Jinsol in her arms as they sleep and how Jinsol would always wake her up with a sleepy smile and a soft kiss to her nose. She wants to hold Jinsol’s hand at the Jack-O-Lantern Spectacular and watch the childlike glee that spreads across her face at the artistically carved pumpkins that line the path in the zoo. 

She wants to be back in the moment where Jinsol tried to teach her how to roller skate. Jinsol held tightly to her hand as she guided the younger girl through the rink. Kids younger than Jungeun were skating circles around her. Jinsol teased her, making the brunette's ears turn a bright shade of pink. She wants to be back where she could feel Jinsol’s hands on her hips, gently pushing her around the rink. She wants to hear the melody of Jinsol’s laugh; feel the warmth of her gaze; taste the mint of her chapstick when they kiss. 

A pinch to her skin and stinging behind her eyes brings Jungeun out of her thoughts. Teary eyes back on the road. Rays of light stretching up into the inky sky remind her how long she’s been driving for. She’s watched the sunset in her rear view mirror and now she watches the sun as it begins to rise in front of her. 

Jungeun left her apartment all those hours ago with no destination in mind. The only thing she knew was she needed to get out; needed to be free from the confines of the four walled prison she built herself. She got in her car and started driving. She didn’t realize what she was driving toward until a few hours later. 

Didn’t realize _who_ she is driving toward. 

Six months ago, Jinsol was accepted into a doctoral program several states over. It was an opportunity the blonde ocean engineer couldn’t pass up. Jungeun would never ask her to stay and miss out on her dream. The couple had been dating for a few years and their friendship spanned even longer. They had never spent more than a few days apart in all that time. Where there was Jungeun there was Jinsol, that’s how it worked; how they worked. Attached at the hip, addicted to the presence of each other. That’s how Jungeun knew exactly what Jinsol was going to ask her. 

The engineer walked into their shared apartment with a megawatt smile, kissing Jungeun on the forehead as she walked by. Jinsol had this look in her eyes, mischievous and exhilarating. A look Jungeun knew well. A look that always led to her falling into those dark orbs that hold so much love for the younger girl. Jungeun almost fell into them again. Almost. 

“Come with me,” Jinsol placed her hands on Jungeun’s hips, her smile infectious. 

“What?” 

“I want you to come with me when I have to move for my new program.” Jungeun blinked slowly and took a shaky breath. Jinsol’s smile faltered. “Do—do you not want to come with me?”

“That’s not—” Jungeun took a deep breath forcing herself to keep her gaze on Jinsol. “It’s not that simple, baby.” 

“Of course it is,” Jinsol stepped back. “We can find you a new job and we could finally get a house and a dog. Or a cat. Or a fish. Whatever you want...We could build a family, Jungeun.” 

“I can’t just leave suddenly.” Jungeun ran her hands through her hair. “I’m up for a promotion at work. My friends are here...my family.”

“I told you, we can find you a new job. We can start our own family...you’re my family.” The couple regard each other carefully, the years spent together making it easy to read the other. Glossy eyes meet. “You—you don’t want a family with me.”

“Jinnie, I would love nothing more than to have a family with you,” Jungeun stood and took her girlfriend’s hands in hers. Jinsol refused to meet her gaze. The shorter girl lifted her hand, fingers gently grabbed Jinsol’s chin and forced their eyes to meet. “But I can’t leave...my life is here.”

“I don’t want to lose you,” Jinsol whispered, her tears finally fell. 

“Your program is only a few years, I’ll wait for you.” 

Jinsol shook her head. She took Jungeun’s hand off her face and squeezed it before letting go. “No, I won’t ask you to put your life on hold for me.” 

“What? You’re not—”

“You deserve more than having to wait for me.” Jinsol smiled, a stark contrast to the tears that streamed down her face. “I’m not going to hold you back from living your life.” 

“What are you saying?” Jungeun asked even though she knew. 

“I love you,” the blonde kissed her lips so softly, so delicately that it didn’t feel real. “I love you, so I’m letting you go.” Jinsol grabbed her bag and walked out the door. While Jungeun was at work the next day, Jinsol packed her stuff and left. 

She didn’t do anything to stop her. Jinsol was gone and Jungeun let her go. 

Jungeun wishes she never let her go. 

Six months. It’s been six months without Jinsol and if photographs didn’t exist, Jungeun would think that the blonde is a figment of her imagination. Jinsol left. Disappeared. She never reaches out to Jungeun and never posts on social media. Jungeun would think Jinsol never existed if it weren’t for the occasional pictures their friends post of the blonde. 

Six months and the pain that the younger girl felt when Jinsol left is still there. Still there every night in a bed all alone. Still there in the empty space beside her while she grocery shops. Still there whenever their friend group hangs out and everyone avoids talking about her. Still there in every moment and between every word. The pain is tangible, palpable, it’s the motivation that pushed her to get into her car and drive several states away. 

Jungeun regrets it. She doesn’t think there is anything she regrets more than letting Jinsol walk away without a fight. She hasn’t been able to breathe properly since she left. Since the blonde packed up her stuff without Jungeun home and disappeared without so much of a goodbye. 

Would a goodbye have even mattered? Would it have changed anything or make them both suffer more?

She doesn’t know. She keeps playing that day over and over again in her head wondering if there was maybe another way. But all Jungeun can come up with is that she should have gone with her. It has taken her too long to realize that. It took six months and a spontaneous all night car ride to realize she never should have let her go. That all this pain was for nothing when she could have ended this sooner. But Jungeun is stubborn and thought maybe she could move on, could let Jinsol go like she did to her. 

But there is no letting go. Not when Jinsol is so deeply ingrained in Jungeun. Not when there is an undeniable connection between the two women. 

That’s how she ends up here in front of a dark blue door as the sun paints the sky. There’s an army marching through her chest and a tornado of all the words she never said sweeping through her mind. Jungeun doesn’t hesitate to rap her knuckles against the door. She’s surprised when the door opens after a brief moment, a sleepy blonde straightens when their eyes meet. 

“Jungie?” Jinsol’s voice is soft, laden with sleep. The army in her halts. The tornado dissipates. All the chaos that has raged inside her clatters to a stop so sudden Jungeun is at a loss for words. 

All those sleepless night. All the practiced speeches. All those long winded letters she never sent. Everything that Jungeun wanted to say, the words that rattled in her brain over the past six months, were gone. One look in those brown eyes and nothing else seemed to matter. It doesn’t need to be perfect or practiced; it needs to be honest. 

“I made a mistake.” Jinsol tilts her head and remains silent. “I never should have let you go. I can’t breathe without you, Jinsol. I—you wanted to build a family with me. You wanted to start a life with me here and I just—I never should have let you go.” 

“You drove twelve hours.” 

“It only took me ten,” Jungeun says lightly. The corners of Jinsol’s lips tug upward. “I told you I wouldn’t come with you because my life was there, that it was my home. I hate how long it took me to realize that my life is with you, my home is you. I don’t want to spend another day without you, Jinsol.” Jinsol reaches out for the brunette, her fingers brushing her cheek wiping away tears. 

“It’s early,” Jinsol takes Jungeun’s hand and tugs her inside. “We can talk more after a few hours of sleep, okay?”

“Uh, sure, yeah, I can sleep on the couch,” Jungeun gestures to the living room. 

“I’ve been deprived of your cuddles for long enough, you’re sleeping in bed with me.” Jungeun doesn’t have a chance to argue before Jinsol pulls them into her room. The blonde tosses pj's to her and shows her to the bathroom. Jungeun goes through the motions until she is laying next to her ex-girlfriend in her bed. Their shoulders barely touch as they lay side by side, too afraid to touch; too afraid to shatter the moment in case it’s a dream. 

Jinsol rolls over first, her eyes lingering on the side of Jungeun’s face. The younger girl turns her head to find those dark eyes twinkling in the early morning sunlight. Jungeun melts under the gaze. She doesn’t waste anymore time, rolling onto her side, she wraps her arm around Jinsol. The blonde nuzzles into the crook of Jungeun’s neck before releasing a content sigh. 

“I never stopped loving you,” Jinsol mutters, her breath warm against Jungeun’s skin. 

The crushing weight that had made a home on Jungeun’s chest finally lifts. A puff of air slips out from between her lips. She pinches the skin on her arm, eyes tightly closed. But when her eyes open, when she stops pinching, she finds she still has Jinsol in her arms. 

“I have always loved you,” Jungeun presses a kiss into blonde hair and tightens her grip. 

This isn’t a memory, or a figment of her imagination. Eyes open or closed, Jungeun can see Jinsol. She can finally breathe again. 

**Author's Note:**

> feel free to follow me on twitter @/zags96
> 
> ask me things here: https://curiouscat.qa/zags96


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